February 25, 2008

Matt...

You are so incredibly good to me. Thank you for all the support you have given me this past weekend and throughout our entire relationship. I truly am lucky to have you in my life.

February 23, 2008

....

It happened again...my mom tried to take her life last night. Yes this is not the first time, and yes it is always very difficult to overcome emotionally but this time...this time we almost lost her. I love her so much. But... I don't think she knows it. How can you be there for someone who doesn't want you there. How can you show support for someone who thinks that any words of encouragement you may give means that you are looking down on them....even though you are not? How can you love someone who doesn't love themself? It has been a long long road we've been down and I fear that the end is nearing. Three things need to happen: 1: She has to want to get better 2: She needs inpatient rehabilitation and 3: She needs to have positive influence around her -aka- she needs to lose the BF of 20 some odd yrs who has separated her family but doesn't love her enough to marry her. None of these are things that can be forced, unfortunately it is left up to her to want a better life. Helplessness is a very difficult emotion to deal with, I want to be there for her but it always seems to complicate the situation. She uses the term "addictive personality" as an excuse. Her idiot of a doctor told her that she has a 20% chance of recovering... so naturally she only sees that that must mean there is an 80% chance that she will not recover...so why even try....Yet another excuse. She says " I can't stand the way I feel when I'm sober" Part of me wants to grab her and tell her that guess what?!! Life can be shitty..for everyone. So put your big girl pants on and deal with it like the rest of the world. I love her so much more than she'll ever know. My heart hurts with hers and I want her to get better, I want her to be happy... or at least okay with feeling normal. I want her to be around for my children. I hate that I feel like I'm going to lose her but at the same time not knowing how to get close to her. I hate that it hurts so badly. I miss her ... I miss what we used to have.