September 11, 2008

The Ultimate Goo Dictionary

Although I cannot take credit for this as it was found on the Internet...This post is dedicated to Mr. Matt and all of his Biking Buddies.

You have noticed by now that little cardboard box on the table on Saturday mornings. It contains little foil packets with names like Power-Gel, GU, ClifShot, HammerGel and CarbBoom. You see others digging through it looking for their favorite flavors - Chocolate, Vanilla Bean, Fruitti-Tutti, Mocha, or Green Apple. So what are these little packets of gold that runners and walkers carry with them on their training? Welcome to the world of energy gels. Energy gels can provide a quick carbohydrate-pick-me-up when you are feeling run down. They can provide an easily digestible boost of energy when you are training for the long haul. Some people love 'em and some people hate 'em. Many have their favorite brands and flavors they use faithfully and others will use every gel known to man and then some. But love 'em or hate 'em, they are part of the running culture and our everyday training vernacular.
There are many flavors in many brands. They go by many names. But like we refer to all tissues as "Kleenex" or soda's as "Coke" we refer to all energy gels as "Goo".
So in honor of that little foil packet filled with slimy, sticky, sweet sustenance of energy, I give you.
The Runner's Ultimate Goo Dictionary !
Goo-Angels - These are the folks you meet about mile 18 of a marathon (usually a TNT coach). Just when you think you're out of energy, a goo-angel hands you a goo from their own personal stash.

Goo-aholic - A person who can't get enough goo. A goo-aholic can be seen with 26 goo-packets safety pinned to their shorts, one for each mile of the marathon. They tend to talk REALLY fast when they use goo laced with caffeine and they often resemble a hummingbird who nibbled on NoDoze pills.

Goo-poo - A rare but unpleasant side-effect of goo. This can cause you to find the nearest port-a-john. It never happens to a goo-aholic. It can create goo-phobia.

Goo-sicle - Goo that is consumed when the weather is below 32 degrees farenheit.

Goo-phobia - One who fears goo. This is the person whose first experience with goo results in a goo-gag or goo-poo. As a result, they never train with goo. They find goo-aholics very repulsive creatures.

Goo-powered fartleks - Speed workouts done while energized with goo. Goo-aholics never do speedwork without goo. It is a completely unrelated topic to goo-poo.

Goo-rookie - A person who has never tried goo. Sometimes results in a goo-gag.

Goo-splosion - A rare but very comical experience when a goo packet explodes on the shorts, rear-end, or legs of a runner because they sat down forgetting there is a goo packet on their person somewhere. Unfortunately, some flavors of goo can be mistaken for goo-poo, which adds to comic effect. When it happens to goo-rookies, it can result in goo-phobia. A person who has experienced a goo-splosion should always be approached with the question, "Is that a goo in your pocket, or are you just REALLY happy to see me?"

Goo-gag - When one gags on a goo. Can be caused by different factors - a flavor that is not appealing to the palette, trying to eat goo when you see someone with a goo-splosion, or trying to ingest a goo-sicle during goo-powered fartleks.

Goo-Canon - Goo packets that are put on the ground, aimed at your enemy, and stomped on in order to make goo a projectile. Invented by junior high runners.

Goo-chads - Similar to the chads made famous by the 2000 election, these are the foil tops you tear off to open the goo. Chads that are partially ripped are hanging chads. Chads that won't rip because your hands are too sweaty are slippery-chads. And chads that will never rip are called #$%^-chads (then goo-canons become an alternative usage).

Poor man's goo-pouch - A method of carrying goo on the shorts by means of a safety pin attached to the goo-chad. When attached to the outside of the shorts, they are known as floppy-goos.

Rich man's goo-pouch - A method of carrying goo's in expensive running shorts lined with pockets designed specifically for carrying goo's. This is the financial downfall of the goo-aholic.

Stealth-goo - A close cousin to the poor man's goo-pouch, only the packets are pinned to the inside of the shorts so they don't become floppy-goo's. You get the added benefit of ingesting more salt content as you suckle on the outside of the goo packet during a particularly sweaty race.

Goo-town - Another name for the typical marathon expo. Every booth will have some sort of goo to sell. Some booths have nothing but goo. This is another financial burden to goo-aholic. But buyer beware, trying a new type of goo during a marathon that you haven't trained with may result in goo-poo.

Eco-goo - A goo that is branded as all-natural, no sugar, no simple carbs, environmentally sensitive, spotted-owl approved, dolphin-safe, and guaranteed to shrink the hole in the ozone. Vendors of this type of goo can be found at goo-town with their own booth giving out free samples.

McGoo - The original goo that can be found in most fast food establishments. They are also known as honey packets. The crude term would be cheapskate-goo. You may receive odd looks if you walk into McDonalds, grab a handful of McGoos, and begin pinning them to your shorts.

Goo-Nads - Related to the Australian hair removal product, Nads. This is when goo is applied liberally to the skin and then ripped away with a cotton cloth. It is a very popular usage amongst triathletes. Ironically, this usage for goo was accidentally discovered by a goo-rookie who experienced a goo-splosion.

Goo on a stick - The substance you see someone hand you on a large popsicle stick at several points during the marathon. VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not really goo. It is known as Vaseline. It is to be applied liberally to chaffing areas and NOT ingested, which is a mistake made by those who have heard of goo and what it is used for, but have never used it.

Self-induced goo-splosion - The opposite of goo on a stick. This is when a person is handed a goo by a goo-angel during a marathon, but mistakes it for goo on a stick (Vaseline) and begins applying liberally to chaffed areas. It has the unfortunate side effect of resulting in Goo-Nads. Those who subject themselves to a self-induced goo-splosion are referred to as Goo-mer Pyles.

Goo-doping - Related to blood doping, which is the banned process of removing red-blood cells, then re-injecting them into the bloodstream just before a competition to increase the amount of oxygen that can be carried to the muscles. Goo-doping is similar, only goo is added to the blood before re-injection. Not yet banned by the IOC. Used by goo-aholics who have hit rock bottom.

Goo-belt -Similar to Batman's utility belt, this belt contains multiple plastic flasks filled with goo in order to supply adequate amounts of goo to the runner during a marathon.

GooMan - A comic book superhero. He has a cape, a large 'G' on his chest, and a goo-belt. He can be seen running from marathon to marathon being the ultimate goo-angel. His motto is "Stickier than flypaper and more carbo-loaded than a mouse in a pasta factory."

Goo-illotine - A blade-like device used for removing the goo-chads from packets of goo. Invented by the French. It is completely acceptable to scream "Vive la France " when removing a goo-chad with a goo-illotine.

Goo-kill - Similar to road kill, these are goo packets that fell from their goo-pouch on the road during a race and are stomped on by other runners. The moment they are stepped on they become a goo-canon.

So there you have it - all the possible definitions and usages for goo. You are now a goo-expert. So get out there, do your training, and don't forget to suck down the sticky stuff.

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