....

It happened again...my mom tried to take her life last night. Yes this is not the first time, and yes it is always very difficult to overcome emotionally but this time...this time we almost lost her. I love her so much. But... I don't think she knows it. How can you be there for someone who doesn't want you there. How can you show support for someone who thinks that any words of encouragement you may give means that you are looking down on them....even though you are not? How can you love someone who doesn't love themself? It has been a long long road we've been down and I fear that the end is nearing. Three things need to happen: 1: She has to want to get better 2: She needs inpatient rehabilitation and 3: She needs to have positive influence around her -aka- she needs to lose the BF of 20 some odd yrs who has separated her family but doesn't love her enough to marry her. None of these are things that can be forced, unfortunately it is left up to her to want a better life. Helplessness is a very difficult emotion to deal with, I want to be there for her but it always seems to complicate the situation. She uses the term "addictive personality" as an excuse. Her idiot of a doctor told her that she has a 20% chance of recovering... so naturally she only sees that that must mean there is an 80% chance that she will not recover...so why even try....Yet another excuse. She says " I can't stand the way I feel when I'm sober" Part of me wants to grab her and tell her that guess what?!! Life can be shitty..for everyone. So put your big girl pants on and deal with it like the rest of the world. I love her so much more than she'll ever know. My heart hurts with hers and I want her to get better, I want her to be happy... or at least okay with feeling normal. I want her to be around for my children. I hate that I feel like I'm going to lose her but at the same time not knowing how to get close to her. I hate that it hurts so badly. I miss her ... I miss what we used to have.

2008 Resolutions

Alright here it is...2008 New Years Resolutions!! A little late...i know. Every year, like the rest of the American population, I half heartily think up unrealistic new years resolutions with the easier said than done attitude and all along knowing that theres a very good chance that I wont go through with them. Not this year...This year, I have put a lot of thought into making realistic goals and I honestly have every intention of keeping every one of them. So here they are in no particular order:

1. Every morning and every time I feel stressed/anxieties I will stop and ask myself "What is really important to me?" Too often I let myself get caught up in things, ideas or situations that should not have priority in my life and in consequence, I let the things/people in my life that really do matter to me take second place. What is that saying?...Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

2. 6 am. I will now wake up every morning Monday through Friday at 6 am to workout. Now, since I do so much love my sleep and understand that this one is going to be a challenge some mornings...I will allow myself one freebie sleep in day during the work week if needed. However, if i choose to use a freebie, it must be made up on the upcoming weekend but does not need to be at 6 am because hey.. that would just be crazy.

3. Stress. I stress too much and I become unhealthy because of it. Its an ongoing challenge for me but its needs to be listed.

4. Outdoors! Every summer I plan to do spend a lot of time outdoors and every summer seems to come and go in the blink of an eye leaving me with the disappointed feeling of wishing I had done more. Not this summer. This summer will be spent backpacking, hiking, car camping, gardening, walking the dogs, going to the parks/dog parks, reading outside etc etc etc.

5. Increase water intake and decrease carbonation. I wont say that I will never drink carbonation again, that would be unrealistic. But I will drink it in better moderation.

6. I will spend more quality time with the pups. So many days, I find that I'm tired and exhausted after work and as a result I don't feel that I give them the time and attention that I would like to. They are the world to me and I couldn't picture coming home to house without them waiting at the door for me.

7. I love my weekends. I love my weekends so much that I tend to wish away my weekdays to get to them. Life is so short and I will work on appreciating every day that is in it.

8. I will make dinners more often. Too much of our money is spent on eating out. This will also help with eating healthier as we are more apt to make poor decisions when eating out vs cooking dinner at home.

9. Garden. This summer will be my 3rd year creating a garden and I will be the first to admit that in the past I have gotten all excited about planting a garden but became lazy when it came to up keeping it. This year I will put a lot more TLC into my garden

10. Emergency Kit. I have been talking about putting together an emergency kit and funds for over 2 yrs now and this year we are going to have one in the house and in the car.

Where To Start

Where to start... So much has happened since I last wrote. The kitties are gone now. They were so much fun while we had them as each one had its own personality and all 3 were so different from each other. MoMo was the boy. He was the most independent of them, he did everything first. Bella was the female with the most beautiful face, her and MoMo played constantly. She was a follower, very timid and shy. And then there was Chole.
Chloe had my heart from the beginning. She was the runt of the litter but LOVED people. If you were in the room she was at your feet. I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror in the morning and she would climb from the floor up to my shoulder and just sit there. Oh and ps..she was a cuddler :). Giving them away was hard for me as I had so much guilt for letting Abbie get pregnant in the first place. I felt like if these kittens got bad homes and had miserable lives it was all my fault. I know Im PATHETIC for sure lol. However, of the 15 or so calls we got the morning we put them on KSL.com, I feel really good about the homes they went to. My co-worker got MoMo and took the most adorable pic of her son and him.

Stella Stella Stella...where to begin. We got a third dog. Gabe is getting older now and doesn't like to rough around like he used to. Our hopes was to find a dog that Sam could go at
it all day with as he has so much energy. It worked... Sam and Stella were a perfect match, they played together nonstop. However, it came at a price. After we got Stella, Gabe began to withdrawl from us. We began to notice that if Stella wasn't around, Gabe was his old self but when she was, it was like she overwhelmed him and he withdrew.
That was the kicker that forced us the make the decision to give her back to her foster mom. If it weren't for the issue with Gabe,
we may have been able to deal with the fact that she chewed up everything, or that 3 dogs can be well ... honestly overwhelming. We had her for a month and a half, and if things were different,or maybe it was a different time in our lives...Stella would have made a great family member. I wish nothing but the best for her and pray that she finds a good home.

The holidays have come and gone since i last wrote. Believe it or not, we were able to keep the family drama to a minimal this year. Santa was very good to us...i got my hotub!!!
And let me tell you..i think that is the best investment santas ever made :). Matt got his big screen TV and his Xbox 360. And ps...our basements done!!! Mind you there are still some finishing touches such as 2 closets need shelves and some base boarding still needs to be done, but everyone deserves a break right lol. There are already projects lined up for the spring, so a break sounded like a good idea. Now we just need to get the dish hooked back up lol.

My Baby had Babies

As I was getting ready this morning, I had a feeling today was going to be the day. Although Abbie wasn't officially due to give birth for another 4-8 days, I could sense she was getting ready. If anyone knows my cat, they know that she is not the most affectionate little thing in the world. This morning, she stayed at my feet rubbing up against me, meowing and purring (so not typical for my kitty). As I was leaving for work, she was suddenly no where to be found. I searched the entire house for nearly 30 minutes before I found her nestled up behind the couch, in the closet, behind a picture, under a sleeping bag and oh and lets not forget ON CARPET! When I found her she had already given birth to the first kitty. I slipped a towel under her and watched her give birth to her 2nd. Matt came home just in time to watch the birth of the 3rd kitten, he says he needed a different pair of shoes, but I think its pretty obvious that he was excited (although he wont admit it). Needless to say, Whether a person or a cat, watching something come into the world truly is a miracle to see. Ps.. I'll leave out the picture of Abbie scarfing down the placenta :).

Miss You

Happy Birthday Grandma. I miss you.

Weekend Drive

Have I mentioned lately how much I love won tons?? Well I do! Mr. Matt just left for school. He cut back his schedule from 3 classes to 2, I think this will be really good for him as one can only have so much on their plate at a time..unless were talkin bout won tons HA! My original plan was to work on getting our emergency kit put together, but somehow a nice hot bath with a new book sounds so much more appealing. Ive been on the prey for a hot tub. Matt's letting me get one for the backyard and I am so FREAKIN excited! If you know me, you know I don't do the cold well. I am the girl who walks into the house in the winter and is immediately either sitting on the heater with a blanket over me or running a hot bath, so naturally a hot tub is somewhat of a dream of mine. Just found 2 hopefuls on ksl.com Ive compromised and agreed to buy a used one instead of the 7 grand bull frog that I originally fell in love with. I figure to compromise will only benefit me in the future when Mr. Matt decides to come home with the jeep classifieds :). Last weekend we took a drive up to Logan to check out the fall colors in the canyons. Needless to say..it was BEA-utiful!

Lagoon

Its official..winter is here. What happened to fall? Who knows.. I must have blinked too long cause I missed it. So..Abbie's pregnant. Yes I'm embarrassed as I've always been an advocate of spaying and neutering but I didn't have the heart to abort them. Shes due to have them in just a few weeks and I'm getting excited. I'm hoping that she will just have one, then we will keep it and all will be grand. She is a lot more affectionate now that shes pregnant, if only people were the same way :).

Two weeks ago we spent the weekend in Park City with Kaitlin and her hubby. One of our
patients let us stay in her hotel/condo located right on main street in Park City. The rooms there go for around $500 per night. We had a blast, not to mention it was a very well needed get away. Can you say "hot tub on the roof".. Need I say more? We went to breakfast, browsed the shops, and lounged. They even had a farmers market...right outside the front door.

Last weekend I went to Lagoon with the family. We've made it a tradition to go every October. Why October you ask? Because its cheaper at the end of the season Duh! Its also when they do Frightmares, we like to do the haunted houses there. I didnt take a ton of pics but here are a few..


And lets not forget this picture...

Ps..the wicked was a BLAST!
This weekend our plans are to: Finish repairing the fence, work on some landscaping in the yard, take a morning drive to Logan to look at the fall colors, Black Diamond ski swap, and a wedding.